Mi Poesia/ My Poetry

Un muro, construido por ansiedad y temor;

edificando unos ladrillos con rechazo y pérdida.

Reforzado, este muro, mezclando el mortero con las lagrimas

que se protege de todos los ataques.

Custodia al corazón de la ponzoña de la muerte:

la desaparición triste y amarga, de soltura y sueños.

Inseguridad e incertidumbre disimulada expertamente por un exterior impecable

que desvía de la realidad de sufrir.

Una pared destacada que ha creado una fachada de certeza y autosuficiencia,

Una barrera que oculta la paranoia y la falta de confianza en sí mismo

y provee refugio a un malestar agobiante.

Levantado debida a la necesidad, el poder magnifico, ahora implacable,

reprimiendo deseos nuevos que está al acecho, llorando por libertad,

atreviéndose a escalar sobre la estructura masiva y rígida.

El motivo había servido como un santuario

por la vida que era acosada por temer, flaqueza, y profunda pena;

el poder ineludible lisia el crecimiento

de la vida misma que fue construido a resguardar.

I wall myself in with the fear I feel

building bricks out of rejection and loss.

I strengthen this wall mixing mortar with tears

Fortified and stable, it protects me from potential devastation and costs.

I guard my heart from the sting of death;

the unrestrained dissolution of confidence and dreams.

Uncertainty and apprehension, I expertly disguise with a perfect exterior

that deflects attention from an excruciating reality.

A striking wall that creates a façade of assuredness and self-reliance,

A barrier which conceals my paranoia and self-doubt

and gives shelter to an oppressive malaise.

While once erected out of necessity,

its magnificent power is now unyielding

to new aspirations that whisper inside.

Striving to be liberated from the confines of this encumbrance,

clamoring to venture beyond the restrictive structure,

whose purpose has served well in harboring my weakness, fear, pain and insecurity.

Having smothered the meager seeds of courage sown

and suffocated them with its constraints;

their growth is paralyzed by its relentless force.

This wall, this rogue mechanism of defense,

attempts to strip their potential and render them barren.

It camouflages my anguish but restrains my increasing passion,

it conceals my anxiety but impedes any forward progression.

A plethora of emotions, shrouded by veiled pretense,

surrenders to this imposing divider which torments and violates my soul.

Despite all, an unlikely blossom sprouts from a lone defiant seed

and fights against the impenetrable wall that cages me inside this asylum.

Costa Rica- the first few days

     So, my family and I are in Costa Rica now.  We arrived VERY late Thursday night after weather problems. We were so tired and stressed since we had no way to get ahold of the driver who was to pick us up from the airport (which we were late 2 hours by this time) and no way to know how to get from the airport to our new apartment house where the older parents of my contact and property owner, Monica, were waiting for us to get in so they could open the gate to the houses.  We were STRESSED.  My youngest daughter, Laynie, was on the plane crying so I had her write a little journal entry.  She expressed it all very well: "6-30-11: Costa Rica Flight. I'm sad and happy. I'm sad because I miss my friends and family.  I'm happy because I'm going to COSTA RICA!!!"  That pretty much summed it up for all of us.
      After getting our 9 BAGS!, and going thru customs and immigration, we found ourselves at the mercy of several people "helping" us get our bags from the exit of the airport 50 feet away to the cars which were thankfully still waiting for us.  Our only problem was that we didn't have many small bills for currency yet, so some "helpers" received massive tips and others did not.  It was a great lesson for us - Be Prepared! 
     When we finally arrived at the hacienda, we put our VERY tired girls to bed (crying); crying for Duchess, their friends, their home; crying from anxiety, fear and tiredness. Pobrecitas :(  After all that, Jay and I got situated in bed and he asked if I was doing okay  That's when the flood gates opened and my tears would not stop flowing.  Sobbing, I told him how scared I was, how overwhelming it all had been, how anxious for all our upcoming events I felt, how much i missed Elli n Seiji and the kiddos, how I just wanted to go home now and unload on Cindy and Jeff, feel safe in my own home, etc.  Sobbing, I was scared for our safety, arriving so late in the night that we could not even tell what the area looked like except wet and very dirty.  I finally fell asleep after Jay's constant reminders that all would be okay in the morning and that if anything, we would have a great vacation and leave early if I was still so uncomfortable.
     Friday came and was our first official day in Costa Rica.  We met our neighbor, Marisca- who had told the director of my language school of the apartment hacienda we were to rent.  We also met Monica, her baby, niece, mother, sister, father, etc.  It was nice to get some perspective on this place, our new temporary home, and on the towns that seem to be connected to each other making it so difficult to see where one town ends and another starts.  I took an extra-long time getting ready to meet the director, David, in Heredia at the IPED school.  I was nervous and stalling, I guess.  The girls, Jay, and I headed down the street to pick up a bus to head to the center of Heredia. The buses don’t run on routes per say or even have particular stops or places to get picked up, but we had been told a common place to get picked up as well as what color buses to take and not take.  As the bus stopped and we all got on, I realized that we’d have to sit in different places on this full bus, Yikes!  So, Jay found a spot for him and the girls and I sat beside a young girl about 18 or so.  It was actually great because even with the fear of not knowing anything about the area and being nervous to speak Spanish, I got too curious and maybe a little scared so I asked the young girl, “Estamos en Heredia ahora?” (Are we in Heredia now?)  She smiled and said, “Yes, I can speak English though.  Do you need some help getting somewhere?” It was sweet, really.  She could see I was a bit out-of-sorts and was offering me an olive branch to let me know it would be okay.  We talked for a bit until the bus stopped at the central park in Heredia and we all got out of the bus.  A man that Jay and the girls had been talking with on the bus had gotten out and waited for us so he could give us exact directions to the IPED school.  People were so friendly; it really helped to calm my nerves and anxieties.  We found the school, met David, met other students (another family with a baby boy) who would be starting classes at the same time, and got directions for where to go for all of our errands.  Who knew there was a Wal-Mart in Costa Rica?! Or that the clerks there hated their jobs just as much as in the States! 
     The rest of the afternoon evening went well with lots of settling in, reading, journaling, talking, and a general awe over where we were blessed to be.  Saturday was another errand day since Wal-Mart (in Heredia) ended up being so expensive and full of such negativity.  We set out in San Joaquin about noon to find a better grocery store that was cheaper.  We found Pali where everything was cheaper than Wal-Mart and the clerks were helpful and didn’t sneer at us when we tried to speak broken Spanish to them.  We did, however, get stared at – A LOT!  But, people were just curious to see an extremely white family speaking a bunch of jibberish trying to figure out the exchange rate and calculate the cost of each item.  It was a reminder that we definitely stick out.  As we left the store the girls were able to get their faces painted like beautiful butterflies for a promotional event. 
     We headed the opposite direction, back into Heredia for a late lunch and wound up at Nachos restaurant – which David had recommended to us.  Our waitress was wonderful, helping us with how to say certain things, how to order, which futbol (soccer) team was Costa Rica so we could cheer for them also and she even gave Laynie a little pad of paper so that she could write down the words she was learning.  During our lunch it started to downpour, but we were not deterred.  We put on our raincoats and headed out to find cute shops and see what we could find!  It was awesome and the girls LOVED it!  A torrential downpour in Costa Rica!  Why did that seem to be better than a downpour in Iowa?  It was so fun to watch the girls sloshing around in the puddles, but we finally headed “home” and spent our evening making dinner, reading, watching Spanish television shows, etc.

I’m pretty sure we’re gonna get used to this life! 

Our Colorado vacay before Costa Rica!

I'm hoping to share some pics of our time here in Colorado with the other part of our family :)  We've missed them so much and are enjoying every moment making new memories with them here! 

First day of classes at the University level

     Since I was fairly nervous about the transition from community college to university, I went to bed very late the night before.  But, as a dedicated mom, I had to get up early enough to kiss my girls goodbye as they head off to the bus stop.  Even though they are 8 and 10, they are new to bus stops and public school so I want to make this an easy transition by being there for them to kiss 'em goodbye and wish them a happy day. 

     Unfortunately, my late night had caught up to me so I went back to sleep for a while instead of getting ready right away and going to campus early to ensure I could get great parking and finish my lengthy "to do" list.  While I definitely needed the sleep, it sure made a hectic morning as I did my best to get ready, pack my backpack with ALL my books, notebooks, folders, and personal items.  It took FOREVER!!  I somehow got it in my head that I needed to be prepared for ANYTHING and EVERYTHING.  Crazy, I know. 

     So, I walked into class with no time to spare.  That is not how I like to start out the first day of class.  Looking around the classroom, trying to find an open seat, I realized why it is that I like to get to class early.  My only options were sitting at a round table of all guys with my back to the professor or a round table with 4 girls about 18- 20 years old (not that there was anyone in the whole class who was older than 22, no joke).  I don't have anything against little girls (as I call them) per say, however they intimidate me and that infuriates me.  Most of them look fairly anorexic and like they just walked out of an ad for Abercrombie and Fitch - only they have slightly more clothes on.  If you've ever seen the catalogs for A&F, you know what I mean!  Their hair is perfectly side-swept, their thighs, butts, and waists are un-dimpled, unwrinkled, and perfectly shaped.  That's my skewed view of them anyway. 

     And then there's my view of myself.  I'm 34 and have had two beautiful babies.  These beautiful babies are wonderful and growing quickly, but they have definitely left their mark on my body.  So has the stress of life in general and the ridiculous pursuit of being perfect.  I have wrinkles that appeared the day I turned 30, I swear!  I have dimples in the wrong places and definitely are not cute.  I sag and droop way too much that, Thank God, a miracle bra covers and disguises fairly well!  I am ALWAYS aware of my age when I am in a class, for obvious reasons of the comparative differences. 

     This dilemma ended with me taking a seat by the dreaded "little girls", with their giggling and "OMG" blah blah.  It turned out okay without much drama (or interaction really) all except for the professor of the class, Educational Psychology, asking for hands of any students who are parents.  I was the ONLY one who raised my hand while the professor pointed this fact out and made the entire class aware.  Woohoo!  Good times!  If any of you know me, you know that in a classroom I usually like to be invisible, at least until I get completely comfortable.  So much for accomplishing that goal! 

     My day was long since all 4 of my classes are back to back and I would later find out, in every one of my classes,  I was the only 34 year old surrounded by a bunch of boys and girls.  I am even older than one of my professors!  Ouch!

   But, ya know, I am trying to see my situation differently and at least pretend to be confident.  I don't want to be intimidated because other girls have "perfect" young bodies.  There are things about me, as a 34 year old, that these young girls don't have.  They have no experience with life yet and are plagued by naivety.  Their decisions have no wisdom behind them yet.  They have no seasoning.  Their priorities are still skewed.  They may boast of their uncomplicated lives, but my "complications" in life are my blessings and fulfill my life in a way that is almost indescribable.  

     So the verse I found and am clinging to this next couple days is "...Blessed are those who trust in the LORD, whose confidence is in him." Jeremiah 17:7

     My hope and confidence is in the LORD.  My confidence does not come from my age; it is poured into my soul from Lord alone.  And this attitude of hope is what I will take into my next day of classes!  :)

     Hasta Pronto!